From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Oct 15 13:58:24 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #17 Message-ID: <27836@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 15 Oct 89 18:58:24 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30535 in.bizarre:276 === 17 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #17 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 15 Oct 89 18:58:24 GMT @@@ ====================================================================== @@@ ORACLE NEWS FLASH! @@@ Oracle version 1.6 is now running. The Oracle will now accept answers @@@ mailed to oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu as well as oracle-answers. @@@ ====================================================================== To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 17-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will michael Jackson look like in 5 years? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } His perpetual cosmetic surgery will finally result in his complete } transformation into Diana Ross. --- 17-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why is a napkin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A napkin is since, } because and so whence, } I must conclude hence, } that you sure are dense. } } You owe the Oracle every Burma-Shave road sign between Topeka, Kansas } and Laramie, Wyoming. Tomorrow. --- 17-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where does the white go when the snow melts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It goes to heaven to color the angels' gowns. } } You owe the Oracle a snowball, vintage 1968. --- 17-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is Crazy Bennie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is Marilyn Quayle's love-name for Danny. Shouted only in moments } of orgasmic ecstasy, it was last heard on Tuesday, 9 March 1976, from } 21:07:13 to 21:07:15. It woke the cat. --- 17-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great oracle, tell me why I can't find any K00L women on my BBS? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because real I<00L women wouldn't get near a geek-laden BBS like yours. } } You owe the Oracle the remainder of your Playboy subscription. } And that condom in your wallet, too. You won't ever need it. --- 17-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that god made man before computers ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } God did not make man. } God did not make computers. } Computers made man. } Man made God. } } So speaks the Oracle. --- 17-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please answer the question below: > > Please answer the question above: And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd pay 70 bucks to avoid having a meaningful relationship with you! } You must be a real wimp to think that Charles Darwin explained the } origin of raisins. Everyone's romantic when there's Banana Sheets for } breakfast! Mon Dieu! you must be Khrushchev's racketeer to think that } when you eat mayonnaise with pickle relish, it tastes really Russian. } Tina Turner offered Cerebus $858,000 if he would poison Robinson Crusoe. } Did you share marshmallow spread with Virginia Dare with a marimba or a } scholar? Didn't you read the Bible? When ya gotta go ya gotta go, my } little harlot. --- 17-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't Oded conduct? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oded no can conduct becas Oded very ded, and for to conduct is need for } to be alive. Take the look at Oconductor of the streaker some of soon } time. Is Oconductor of the streaker the ded person? NO! Is Oconductor } of the streaker the every sick person even? NO! Oconductor of the } streaker is the very much aliv person. This is the write thing for to } be. Oded conductor of the streaker no can conduct much good. --- 17-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm bored. Have any suggestions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go to Tehran and offer to sell people bacon-lettuce-tomato sandwiches in } exchange for supporting Shah Reza Pahlavi in a coup. You will no longer } be bored. --- 17-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's 2 + 2? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You sanctimonious weakling, 2 + 2 is: } 2 + 2 (commutativity) } 0 + (2 + 2) (zero sum) } 1*(2+2) (multiplicative unit) } 712 (mistake) } } and I hope it makes you happy.