From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Oct 15 12:14:26 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #16 Message-ID: <27835@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 15 Oct 89 17:14:26 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30530 in.bizarre:275 === 16 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #16 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 15 Oct 89 17:14:26 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 16-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OK What exactly IS the speed of a swallow, African or European? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My dear, the speed of the swallow, } black, white, green, or yellow, } is the largest eigenvalue } (calculated as I tell you) } of the matrix of wind vectors, } and some other similar factors, } .... } the jist of this [blasted] rhyme } is that exact speed varies with time. --- 16-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who was Rimsky-Korsakov and why do I consider him God? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Legend has it that Jack Rimsky was a Polish immigrant from Chicago who } used to work for CIA. Svetlana Korsakova was a Russian whore who } seduced Rimsky into ratting on his motherland. They trusted each other } and Trojan, Inc. too much. Leonard Rimsky-Korsakov was their bastard } son born on June 6, 1966 (6/6/66). Because of his unusual background } and an interesting date of birth, Leo became famous as the Lord of sick } bastards. } } Are you sure you still want to know why you consider him God? --- 16-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is 'slack', and how do I obtain it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hold on tight. Wait a minute. Relax. Got it? --- 16-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who in the *hell* is Bob? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You owe $500 for assuming that the } Oracle will not understand your question if you do not highlight the } word "hell". Remember, child, only mortals have doubts. The Oracle } knows the questions even before you ask them. It just does not bother } to answer them lest you twits should be confused. } } The Oracle thinks that your question should have been phrased in plural } because of the following message: } } >From devil@hellfire.GOV } >Date: Wed, 29 Feb 312 BC 08:33:45 -0500 } >From: The Devil Himself } >Subject: The Oracle wants an updated list } >Sender: info%hell-dbase@hellfire.GOV } >To: "The Oracle" } >Precedence: junk } >Reply-To: /dev/null } > } >Your recent database query } > SELECT first-name, middle-initial, last-name } > WHERE (first-name == "Bob" || "Robert") } >had already produced 12764.3 Gigabytes of output when silo overflow } >caused our computers to crash. } > } >In the future, please process such queries by hand (smirk). } > } > Nobody's, } > Lucifer } } Since the list of Bobs in hell could only have grown, I recommend that } you avoid requesting this information by electronic mail. --- 16-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and mighty Oracle, > > I desire to live forever ( not just a long time ), do you > have any recommendations? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (1) Don't drink anything marked with a skull and crossbones } } (2) Do not stab yourself through the eye with a long, sharp knife coated } with Jivaro toad venom. } } (3) Do not hurl yourself bodily from a small biplane at 16,000 feet } altitude without wearing a parechute. } } (4) Do not immerse your head in vats of boiling potato, glue, and } cyanide stew. } } (5) Do not stab repeatedly at your wrists with sharp daggers. } } (6) Do not make anti-Italian jokes in the presence of Luigi "Sharp } Daggers" diLinguini, even if they are mostly deserved. } } (7) Don't eat an Alp whole. --- 16-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle Siliconiferous, most wise, most high. O sage one, whos' > circuits should be bathed in non-conductive root-beer most lovingly by > only the most nubile of slavegirls: > > Why do boneheads speak of Millions of Instructions Per Second (MIPS) as > if it were a plural term? How many times must these thickwits be told > that there is NO SUCH THING AS A MACHINE THAT RUNS AT 1 MIP, DAMN IT! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are incorrect. There are many machines which run at 1 MIP. The } Yugochip is a small but amazing chip, with a small but amazing bug: the } program counter is read-only, and incremented on each instruction cycle. } It does not wrap around. It is 20 bits (the Yugochip is an 8088 } variant), and so a Yugochip machine is permanantly disabled after one } mega-instruction. It is thus a 1-MIP (one million instructions, period) } machine. } } It is so successful that they are coming out with the Yugo3chip, which } will be a 1GIP machine. --- 16-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Three fish, four fish, black fish, more fish! --- 16-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do people spend time reading news on the network and never > participate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They are psychic receptors for the intense mental energy beams of the } truly intelligent. Biffle blorfle brangle blanks. I can't find my } toad. help. } } quti } } quit } } send } } exit } } q } } send this fucking message dammit } } help } } ? } } where's the fucking manual? } } get me the hell out of here } } ~!man mail } } That's really stupid! --- 16-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does water flow downhill in the springtime? > > -Love Kisses and a Neutron Bomb And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Water flow downhill in pringtime because it not very much. oh. fun. } no. not that. anything but that. they spike my steam with free } association stuff. and nonsense. very much nonsense. the neutron bomb } is not the good thing. neither am i the good thing. the neutron bomb } use heavy water. heavy watter falls down and runss down. springtime } not matter much. very ogod. goo away now. --- 16-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If this is for real, or a joke, or something else..(please specify > what if it's something else) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is something else. This is for cosmic insight, frequently to be } obtained in the sense of a Zen koan. This is for advice and } commiseration. This is for fun. This is the world in microcosm, Kether } and Chokmah and Binah and Malkuth. This is the toast of the town, the } ghost in the gown. Yeah.