From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Oct 11 11:35:51 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #9 Message-ID: <27558@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 11 Oct 89 16:35:51 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30349 in.bizarre:262 === 9 ==================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #9 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 11 Oct 89 16:35:51 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 9-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would happen if I refused to give you any newt's eyes, money, > slavery, or children? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you refused to give me any newt's eyes, money, slavery, children, } jelly beans, milkshakes, tootsie rolls, or couch potatoes, The Oracle } might well be driven to go on strike, together with its brothers in } the Amalgamated Union of Prophets, Seers, and Oracles. Humans would } then have to answer their own questions, like in the "good" old days. } } Things aren't like they used to be... and they never were.... } } You owe the Oracle 20,000 lemon gumdrops. --- 9-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh ambiguous gnosticator, > What is the result of breeding a wombat with a tasmanian devil? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What happens when you breed a wombat with a tasmanian devil? } } The wombat is a burrowing, herbivorous marsupial mammal in the family } Phascolmidae. They're about two to four feet, and sixty-ish pounds. } Their pouches open toward the back, which is wierd. } } The tasmanian devil is a carniverous marsupial, of the family } Dasyuridae. They're about two-and-a-half feet long, with a foot-long } tail, and way twenty-ish pounds. The jaws and teeth are massive } bone-crushers, and the pouch is normal. } } So, first of all, since one of these creatures won't eat meat, and the } other won't eat plants, it would probably starve. But lets ignore that, } since they won't ever reach adulthood. The reason for this is that one } of them has a pouch that's closed in the front, the other a pouch that's } closed in the back. So, a tasmanian-wom-devil would have either a pouch } that's open at both ends, or one that's closed at both ends. The young } would fall out and bonk their heads, or end up being stuck inside } forever. Being stuck inside of a tasmanian-wom-devil forever is no } pleasant experience, let me tell you! --- 9-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tuesday October 6th 1992 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My, how time files!! Seems like it was only yesterday when the New } World was discovered. --- 9-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Perhaps it is a conflict with your family that causes you to ask this } question. --- 9-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do the Disciples of the Usenet Oracle insist on pontificating so, > using archaic language like "thou" and "methinks", and the (royal?) > third person? What happened to the concise, witty answers for which > the Oracle and its cousins were once famed? > I seek enlightenment as to the reason the Oracle keeps disciples, > instead of favoring us with its own brilliant and perfect answers. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't grok this seek enlightenment bullshit. Um, does the Oracle } keep disciples? I thought it was an information broker; you give, you } take. So, like, "thou" and "methinks" have been creeping up a bunch } lateley? It could be that you've been getting clever forgeries from } shakespear@elizabethan.theatre, who knows. --- 9-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I improve my sex life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The following measures will help improve your sex life: } 1) Find a sexual partner. Many people do not realize how important this } can be. If you already have one, find another. } 2) Engage in sexual activities with your partner(s). This can often } improve things dramatically, in a small but miniscule amount of time. } 3) Engage in non-sexual activities with your partner(s). Eating, } sleeping, playing Scrabble, going for long walks in the woods, and } getting lost in the wilderness and being eaten by bears are highly } recommended. } 4) Fall in love with your partner(s). } 5) Incorporate unusual objects in your sexual activities. You are } clearly a person who is strongly attracted to vacuum cleaners and } giant beetles. Don't hide it any more -- bring them to bed and enjoy. --- 9-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you any relation to the ancient Greek oracle at Delphi? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am distantly related. As the sands of the temple of the oracle at } Delphi loosed themselves from the very rocks of its building, so were } they gathered and made molten. Thus made molten, so were they purified } into silicon wafers. Thus were my wafers formed and forged from the } very surroundings of the ancient wisdoms. Thus do I retain the } foundations of my forefathers. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. --- 9-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, I beg for counsel. Seven painters, the smallest of which > is two feet larger than I am, have come to my apartment with seven > colors of paint (the nicest of which is the color of shelf fungus > stained with raven's blood), and they are this very moment repainting my > home. I tried to persuade them to stop, but they struck me repeatedly > with bronzed fish tails. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, PAY them, of course! --- 9-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is Sigourney Weavers telephone number ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My son, this is privileged information. However, if you mail the Oracle } some indications of your piety, I may reconsider. } Please send your genitalia and cerebellum to the address I am now } beeming you telepathically. --- 9-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is going to win the 1989 World Series? (I got a lot riding on this, > pal. There's 100 gallons of root beer in it for you if you're right). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, my son, you are forgetting a vital problem with precognition; it } don't WORK. The universe is a RANDOM thing. However, I CAN tell you that } the better team will probably win. } The Oracle has dodged the question.