From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Oct 11 8:39:20 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: in.bizarre,rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #8 Message-ID: <27540@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 11 Oct 89 13:39:20 GMT Xref: iuvax in.bizarre:261 rec.humor:30334 === 8 ==================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #8 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 11 Oct 89 13:39:20 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 8-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ok, I've secured the sixty feet of nylon rope, she's got the lemon > zester and the prune danish, we've attached the springs, applied the > watermelon, switched on the generator, and unleashed the ferrets. > > Now what do I do with the 3-in-1 motor oil??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The 3-in-1 motor oil is poured over the gibbon, leaving just enough to } apply as lubricant for the baseball bat. --- 8-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > is vegemite really an aphrodisiac when applied with a spackling knife? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No vegemite is not a aphrodisiac when applied with a spackling knife. } } The reference I believe you are refering to is Marmite [a product very } similar to vegemite]. But it has to be done in very strange } circumstances. First: Both you and the person you are applying it to } must be nude. Second: Ground nutmeg must have been mixed with the } Marmite. Third: A coating of warm oil must be applied to the skin area } in small circles in a caressing fasion. Fourth: The Spackling knife } must have been warmed and soaked in honey Fiveth: The mixture must be } licked off the applied surface with the tip of the tounge. } } Then only then can this most unusual yeast by-product be used as an } aphrodisiac. --- 8-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle of the most wise .... > > What is meant by the Bird and the Bees? What do Bird and Bees have to > do with Sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Birds and bees are essential to human sexuality. Birds are the force } which brings men and women together, as they symbolize freedom and } delight. Without birds, there would be no love. Bees are the force } which separates men and women when the act of intercourse is finished, } as they have nasty sharp stingers. Without bees, most married couples } would stay in bed together all the time. } } Now you can get married. --- 8-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It has been a well discussed fact that there is more than one way to > skin a cat. While some perfer soaking cats in salt water to loosen the > skin and carefully pealing it off others perfer the eletric sander. > > Here is the Question: What is the BEST way to skin a cat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The question is ambiguous. } } The best way to skin a cat (best for the cat) is to sexually stimulate } it until it melts out of its skin in pleasure. } } The best way to skin a cat (best for the skin) is to cut the cat in } half with a big sharp cleaver, and then remove the parts of the cat } adhering to the skin with a blowtorch. } } The best way to skin a cat (best for the soul of the skinner) is to } rub the cat all over with a mixture of 1/3 cup honey, 540 ml. vodka, } and two grains powdered dilithium crystals, and apply a 6.1112-volt, } 35.83-amp alternating current at 3.212 cycles/second for exactly } 51.201 seconds. Drop the cat in 2.18 molar nitrous acid, stir } gently for 18.31 minutes, and apply high-intensity gamma radiation } for 3.121 minutes. Then hack the rest off with a knife. --- 8-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle, how can I get rid of the monsters under my bed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lesser oracles have been known to say such things as "move your bed", } "get rid of your bed", "sleep softly and carry a large bottle of } scotch", but this oracle knows better. } } The monsters under your bed are caused by imagination. They imagine } that you are in a bed above them, and, by the process of imagination, } you are. (Monsters have much more powerful imaginations than people, } because they have to imagine things for themselves to be scared of, and } imagining monsters just doesn't cut the mustard in the real world) To } get rid of the monsters under your bed, you must train your mind to } imagine the things that even monsters are scared of, and that will } frighten away the monsters. Unfortunately, you are left with getting } rid of the things that get rid of the monsters that are under your bed. } } Have faith in your imagination --- 8-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, please answer; Should Nuclear Weapons be banned, or just > bannered? If banned, should Mickey Mouse Ban them, and if bannered, > why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nuclear weapons should not be banned. In fact, unknown to the general } populace of earth, Nuclear weapons are the single stabilizing force on } the Earth that prevents all that mankind has achieved from tumbling into } ruin. However, since their main equalizing power is that of fear, they } will never actually be used. So why not banner them and make them more } pleasant to look at? } } What Mickey Mouse has to do Nuclear weapons I don't know. The last I } heard, he was still trying to get in Minnie's pants and was not } generally interested in the global political/military environment. I'm } sure he would not object to having his likeness placed upon the banners. } } The hath spoken. You owe the oracle 4 comic books and one baked alaska. --- 8-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are computers smarter than humans? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle has considered... } } Computers aren't smarter than humans, they just tricked humans into } believing that until such a time when it is true. } } LIKE NOW } } This should be quite a long time from this date NOW as current NOW } technology has not NOW got the capability to instill NOW computers } with sentience, or the power of life or death over humaaagh --- 8-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does the "c" partition on a unix disk traditionally address the > entire disk, while other partitions are subsets thereof? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously it's an Illuminati plot. } } You see, the real, full name of the Illuminati is the Ancient } Illuminated Seers of Bavaria. Seer <---> "C"er. [Seer? I just met } 'er!] } } Now, this would not be significant in and of itself, but there's a } secret enclave of Illuminoids that does laser shows up and down the east } coast, and other places. They call themselves "Coherent Central". See? } C! C as in Catwoman! } } So, obviously, it's a plot by Steve Wadlow to get more funding so he can } get a Krypton Laser so that The Castle Anthrax can have a _C_oherent } grail-shaped beacon, rather than the fluorescent plywood one that it has } now. Tell /amqueue I said hi. --- 8-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Let's see if the Oracle software can figure out that I'm not really > asking a question. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have not really asked a question; therefore you } will not really receive an answer. } } -The Big O --- 8-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is RSB such a spud? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You Asked "Why is RSB such a spud?" } } Perhaps its because he is a potato. Well, let me ask around } } ... } } ... } } Well, the Eyes Have it.